In our experience everybody is a unique individual with their own way of looking
at themselves and the world. This means that we all have different strengths, limitations and resources for dealing with life. What is a difficult problem for one person may be easy to solve for another. However as we are social beings with some fundamental issues in common, there are bound to be certain issues that are commonly brought to counselling and therapy. These include:- - Relationship difficulties, separation, divorce, etc.
- Loss and bereavement
- Stress, anxiety, problems at work
- Depression, low self-esteem
- Post traumatic stress, abuse
- Sexual problems
- Eating disorders, substance abuse
- Effects of social inequality, racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR ‘SELF’? What most of us seem to want is to find our ‘real selves’ and live our lives with vitality and ease. As we are social beings who are so dependent on our caretakers for protection, physical care and emotional support in childhood we learn to adapt to the needs and feelings of others to enable us to survive. Inevitably this means suppressing or denying certain of our experiences, feelings and needs. We are in danger of losing touch with our true
self and developing a false self if we have to adapt significantly to the excessive demands (and even abuses) of caretakers and wider society. As adults we may have so deeply buried our true self (needs and feelings) that we find it very difficult to know what we feel or what we want. We may struggle to make decisions, assert ourselves and to have close relationships. Our lives can seem so hard, meaningless and lacking in pleasure. We constantly doubt ourselves, feel unable to ask for
what we want or express our feelings and end up depressed and often resentful. When we do manage to assert ourselves we often end up feeling guilty and either giving in or not taking pleasure form our efforts. - Can you identify with any of this?
- Do you doubt yourself, your emotions, opinions and values?
- Do you find it difficult to ask for what you want and even to recognise and accept your needs in the first place?
YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN! IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE CHANGES IF YOU WANT TO! “Life is like a wild tiger. You can either lie down and let it lay its paw on your head or sit on its back and ride it.” Counselling and psychotherapy are not easy options
and usually involve considerable soul searching and moments of grief on the way to brighter horizons. In the words of Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet) – “One may not reach the dawn save by the path of the night.” ‘Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.’ As we have developed our sense of self through relationships with significant people, so
we can explore, accept and change ourselves within a caring, protective and supportive therapeutic relationship. This does not mean that we can expect not to be challenged in the process, but that the relationship is built on a foundation of empathic understanding, acceptance of us as human beings with strengths and vulnerabilities and a commitment to honest open communication. Our fundamental aims in therapy and counselling are to help you to fully know and accept who you are and to
develop your unique potential in life. As Eric Berne the founder of Transactional Analysis described his goals for people in therapy to become AUTONOMOUS adults - with a capacity for full awareness of yourself and others
- the ability to form and maintain close relationships
- to live life with spontaneity
Many people find that they are not different at the end of therapy or counselling, but that they now see themselves and life differently. ‘We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started,
And know the place for the first time.’ TS Eliot “The snow goose need not bathe to make itself
white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself.’ Lao-Tse These wise words may inspire you or you may be asking yourself, “Sounds all very well, but how can I just be myself if I’m not happy with myself?’ In therapy you can explore your attitudes and beliefs about yourself and how they came into being. When people have good enough experiences of being freely loved, cared for and nurtured, whilst being given an appropriate balance of protection and encouragement to explore the
world they grow up with a fundamental sense of security and sense of entitlement. They are able to love themselves and others freely, whilst being realistic about their limitations, acknowledging and learning from mistakes and having a generally positive attitude to life. “You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and joyfully being what you are, you fulfill your own abilities and your simple presence can make others happy.’ Jane Roberts (The Nature of Personal Reality) As children we did our best to survive in a world that may have seemed hostile and rejecting. We constructed maps or scripts based on the territory at the time. We told ourselves that it must be our fault if our caretakers were angry with us or each other, left us or abused us and we tried to work out how to please them and keep their support and love.
By deciding we were to blame and must be bad we might at least feel some small sense of power or control in a chaotic world in which we actually had very little power over our fate. The problem with these early decisions about ourselves, other people and the quality of life is that we tend to stick with them as adults. It seems that we prefer to hang onto the familiar and predictable rather than risking going into uncharted lands. So as adults (without conscious awareness) we can still
believe we are bad and unlovable, feel guilt, shame, resentment or depression and then recreate the same kind of difficulties that we experienced in childhood. “What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.’ The Buddha “The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors reflecting their beliefs. So relationship
is one of the most powerful tools for growth if we look honestly at our relationships we can see so much about how we have created them.’ Shakti Gawain (Creative Visualisation) ‘Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. But once they are in hand, he or she must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.’ Voltaire During the process of therapy you can
explore your history and discover where any limiting or destructive beliefs and decisions originated and how they affect you now. Armed with this awareness and with the encouraging support of your therapist you could set yourself goals that move out of the old script and start to put a new show on the road. Eric Berne described this process as shedding the ‘frog skins’ and reclaiming our true selves as the princes and princesses we were intended to be. This can be a rewarding and
testing time as we have to find new ways of getting secure when we give up our old patterns. | 
